Further exploring a major pillar of The Common Ground Project USA.
By Christian Locantore
Constructive Conversation happens when people from different perspective come together to understand one another, without abandoning their own beliefs, but having an open ear to hear the other side out. The purpose is to build a bridge that can lead to understanding, rather than further division, which is all too common in today’s dialogue.
The intent of constructive conversation is to find a way to live, learn, and work with people from differing views. While some outcomes may lead to finding compromise, or having one or both sides come closer to one another in their beliefs, it is not the main purpose. It is not about persuading others, or winning an argument, and it is not about proving the other side wrong. Both sides can stay firm in their beliefs throughout constructive conversation, but the hope is that they can clarify differences, further understand each other’s perspective, uncover common ground, and find a way to live with one another without further dividing or isolating themselves. Of course, this can’t always be the case as some beliefs may harshly go against the way somebody lives, but these scenarios are often more rare than it is made out to be in society.
There are five principles of constructive conversation that helps lead to more productive dialogue. The first, and most important, is to let go of winning. Once the intention of winning is gone from the conversation, one can then ask questions to further clarify the other side’s perspective so beliefs are not being misrepresented or misunderstood. After comes sharing stories, which makes it easier to respond rather than react. Lastly comes finding common ground from what was shared between both parties.
Letting go of Winning
The most important part of having a constructive conversation is coming in without the intention of winning, arguing, or even persuading. Treating a conversation like a battle where one side wins and one side loses will often lead to defensiveness, straining relationships, misconstruing or misunderstanding points, and personal attacks.
If both sides approach a conversation with curiosity, a desire to understand, and patience, then it will instantly promote a more healthy dialogue between the involved parties. You may find yourself entering a conversation with this intent, and the other side may not, but it is important to stay strong in it, not default back to an unhealthy dialogue, and gently remind the other side that you are not here to win or persuade them, but to listen and further understand their point of view while clarifying your own.
Ask Questions
If you are a reader of our blog posts, you may see that we often end each article with asking questions. The idea here is similar. Asking questions is an invitation to letting others express their point of view, and it subtly lets the other side know that you are not here to argue, but to share and further understand.
It is often common that many disagreements come from miscommunication. People often argue off the premise of already understanding one side’s beliefs, and after productive conversation, they often realize they came in misconstruing that party’s perspective.
Asking thoughtful questions reveals important context, shows the values and motivations behind one’s beliefs, and it brings forth points of connection across differences.
Sharing Stories
Constructive conversations can still tend to get heated, and tether toward a debate. Sharing stories are a key reminder to the involved parties that everybody is human, that they have experiences which lend them to their beliefs, and it brings empathy back in the discussion.
Stories give context to people’s beliefs, it shares perspectives without there being an emphasis on right / wrong, and it gives space for others to feel comfortable in sharing their own stories. Most importantly, sharing stories leads directly into the fourth principle.
Responding rather than Reacting
As said before, constructive conversations–as any conversation involving people on different sides of a fence–can get heated. Sharing stories gives space for people to respond rather than react. What this means is, instead of getting defensive, trying to refute or argue a point, or even stepping away from the conversation all together, it is important to pause. Pausing, controlling your initial response or emotions that may increase tension or heighten an argument, allows the conversation to stay on track. It allows you to be deliberate in what you want to say, clarify, or question.
The only way to move forward to the final principle of finding common ground is if this happens first, or else the conversation can easily end here with both parties upset, dissatisfied, or further divided. This is why it is crucial to share stories as it tends to slow a conversation down, provides important context, and brings empathy into the dialogue so people do not react as harshly to one’s beliefs.
Finding Common Ground
Finding common ground does not mean one party will join the other in their beliefs, being convinced or persuaded. It may happen, but as said in the beginning, that is not the ultimate goal.
Common ground can be one of many things, including but not excluded to:
- Further understanding the other side’s perspective, beliefs / points, and context to why they have said point of view.
- Involved parties’ beliefs coming closer together, finding compromise. I often like to say that in a disagreement, there is a fence dividing two sides. Often, people won’t even approach the fence to hear the other side out anymore. Just getting both sides to approach the fence and listen to one another is already finding common ground.
- Feeling the ability to share, growing trust, and/or a deeper understanding for the other person and their beliefs. Even if differences or disagreements remain, realizing that constructive conversation can exist lessens the divide and invites future dialogue.
To our readers, if you have found having conversation with people of different opinions to be difficult lately, we’d love to hear why. And, if reading this leads you to trying more constructive dialogue, we’d be intrigued to hear how it went. Thanks for reading, be kind to one another!
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