Common Ground Podcast, Episode 64
Guest: Teresa Ramirez
Written By DJ Reiter
Almost every parent says they want to raise a kind child, but are we showing our kids
what kindness looks like? That question anchors Episode 64 of the Common Ground
Podcast, where host Philly sits down with Teresa Ramirez, an award-winning author,
motivational speaker, and advocate for raising kinder children, to talk about making
kindness as natural as breathing.
Teresa works mainly with parents, including through PTOs and PTAs, because she
believes changing how children treat one another must include the adults shaping them.
Her message isn’t that parents are failing. It’s that they can be more intentional, using
everyday moments like errands, ball games, family conflicts, and social media to show
kids what kindness looks like in real life. She calls parents the “CEOs” of their families,
the people who set the values that trickle down. She is also working on a second book
about the awkward, messy situations where being kind isn’t simple.
From a Letter to a Movement
Teresa’s work began in 2018, after a school shooting in Florida hit her especially hard.
She wrote a letter to students, grieving with them and reminding them they didn’t need
to wait for new laws or school policies to make a difference: “You can be the change.”
She challenged kids to sit with someone eating alone at lunch, then dug into research
showing that acts of kindness raise feel-good hormones like serotonin and oxytocin, and
that even people who simply witness the act get the lift. That led to her 21-day
challenge, which walks kids through their day, from siblings and parents to bus drivers,
teachers, and the custodians and cafeteria workers she calls “invisible people.”
Making Kindness a Habit
Philly compares the challenge to a 21-day gratitude exercise, noting how quickly the
mind defaults to the negative once the easy answers run out. Teresa agrees both are
about mindset and starts at home, where we’re often least kind. Her tools are simple:
sticky notes on a mirror, a note by the coffee mug, a message tucked in a lunchbox.
She says the road-rage day was the hardest for adults. Philly points out that 21 days
builds a habit but not necessarily a core value, and Teresa agrees, which is why
reminders matter. She once put a sticky note reading “stop” on her car horn, and it
stayed there long after the habit changed.
Parents as CEOs of the Family
Teresa encourages parents to sit down together and decide what values they want their
family to reflect, then hold a family meeting and ask the kids for input. In one family she
worked with, two teenage sons asked to remove the word “hate” from their vocabulary,
and the family started a money jar that went to a food bank each month. Philly notes
that this is where many couples struggle, when two people come from different
backgrounds and can’t agree on the basics. Teresa says parents must be on the same
page, and if they can’t agree, a pastor or counselor can help. She finds that few families
have done this intentionally, but those who have often have kids eager to serve, like
fourth- and fifth-graders excited to be “ambassadors” for classmates with learning
challenges.
Kids Watch What We Do
To change a family’s culture without making kids feel criticized, Teresa suggests casual,
open-ended questions in the car or at dinner: What was the best thing that happened
today? What was the not-so-great thing? What made you laugh? She notes that a child
who hasn’t laughed all day is a signal worth following. On modeling, she describes
parents at a kindergarten graduation who got into a physical fight over a seat, and
wonders what their five-year-olds learned about resolving conflict. Philly adds that
apologies matter at any age; he shares that he has apologized to his now-grown kids for
the anger they saw during his divorce, and Teresa says the same about her own years
as a stressed single parent. Owning a mistake, she says, “teaches your kid volumes.”
Kindness Without Being a Doormat
Philly says he agrees with much of Teresa’s message but wants to press on conflict.
Teresa clarifies that being kind doesn’t mean being a doormat. She offers practical
tools: the pause (breathe in for four counts, hold for four, out for four), remembering you
don’t know what someone else is carrying, defusing with humor, saying “I’ll give it some
thought” or “let’s agree to disagree,” and walking away to return later. She also
recommends skipping certain topics, like politics, unless you know you’re among
friends. At youth sports, she suggests reminding other parents that the point is for kids
to enjoy the game, and calling on the league to enforce policies when it goes further.
Philly adds that kindness alone isn’t a cure-all. He grew up working out playground
conflicts because the alternative was being stuck inside bored, whereas today kids can
unfriend or block someone with no consequence. Teresa agrees that consequences
matter, sharing a story of a carpool mom who denied the movie to three kids who had
been disrespectful to their coaches. She also recalls a local situation where a student
told his dad about a classmate’s alarming comments; the dad called the principal, and
the school and parents worked together to get the other student help. Her point is that a
strong relationship with your child makes them willing to speak up.
Key Takeaways
● Kindness is a skill built through practice. The 21-day challenge works
because it makes kindness intentional, and reminders like sticky notes help it last
past day 21.
● Start at home. The people under your own roof are often the ones we’re least
kind to, so Teresa starts there.
● Kids learn more from what we do than what we say. Parents are the number
one role model, whether they realize it or not.
● Kindness is not weakness. It can include boundaries, consequences, and
walking away, and it doesn’t require agreeing with someone or tolerating
mistreatment.
● Apologizing teaches as much as getting it right. Owning mistakes shows kids
that no one has to be perfect, at any age.
Reflection Questions
Teresa asks parents whether they’re practicing kindness daily and, if so, what that looks
like. How would you define it in your own words?
If your child copied the way you talk about people you dislike, would you be proud?
What might you change?
Have you and the other adults in your life talked about the values you want your
household to reflect? What would you put on that list?
Is there a conflict where you could use Teresa’s pause, or a time you wish you had?
What would a calmer response have looked like?
Is there someone you owe an apology to, even if the moment has long passed? What
would it mean to offer it now?
To connect with Teresa Ramirez, visit journeyinkindness.com; she says she responds to
everyone.
Listen to the full conversation on Episode 64 of the Common Ground Podcast.
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